As sacred as they can be.

I have to say this career I have chosen continues to supply me with colorful stories which I can share with my friends and family. This one is no different. I must warn that the following story may be a bit offensive to some, so if you're going to get all huffed up about some of the language in this story, don't read any more.



As part of our business, there comes a time when we may have to arrest someone because they don't want to go to court. This doesn't happen a lot because most people have some sense of responsibility and know if they don't go, we'll pick them up and make them. And then you have other people like "Evan". (His name has been changed.) Evan is a saucy- or sauced up- old redneck who is a "personal friend of G" and has been through the system once or twice before. Now, in my mind, if you've been through the judicial system a few times, you should now the score. You get arrested, you get bonded out, you go to court...very simple. But this guy forgot the "go to court" step. So he advanced to the "get picked up by the bounty hunters" step.



The bounty hunter step is reserved for special clients. Being a member of this special club is like being a member of the special Olympics...even at the finish line you're still f'ing retarded. (Please don't throw tomatoes at me for that comment, I already know it's crude, but the effect is warranted here because the only people who skip bond are sissy asses on charges like Driving on Revoked or Indecent Exposure.) Seriously, the punishment for NOT going to court is always more seriously than if you just go and suffer your lumps from the judge.



So the bounty hunters go to the girlfriend's address and get little response from knocking, except from the pit bull mix barking and a few drunken adjectives shouted from inside. The guys couldn't see Evan to make a positive ID and we don't really like to kick doors down until we are certain the fugitive is inside. The guys decided to hang outside and tempt Evan out. After an hour, the police are called by Evans girlfriend. I guess she though they would get rid of the bounty hunters, however it back fired because the cops left after knocking and receiving no response from inside. So, the guys pulled out some lawn chairs and decided to do some moon-tanning while they waited for Evan to come outside. The boys didn't think it was fair that they were the only ones who weren't getting any sleep, so they kept the dog up by knocking on the front door and then the back door and then the front door and then the back door, and then the side window the the front door, etc. While the dog goes crazy and pushes the curtain aside giving a little peak inside, the people inside get more annoyed. Oh yes, the fugitive's mental strife makes us laugh.



After 5 hours, the boys are still tapping on windows and doors until an AC unit falls out of the window and allows access to a bedroom. One of the boys jumps in, gets to look down the hallway until the pit bull mix comes to greet him. He shuts the door as the fugitive gets a running start and kicks the door into Corn Flae as he screams threats of "going and getting his AK". CF jumps back out the window as Evan comes out the front door chugging a bottle of Malibu Rum. While on the front porch, the dog follows him. Bake holds his gun on him and attempts to get Evan on the ground while D maces the charging dog. The fugitive continues to approach aggressively screaming all kinds of "F you's" and "F your mothers".



Now this guy had a Confederate flag on a flag pole in his front yard and an entire room dedicated to the "war". On the team, we have a black guy and a Puerto Rican guy, so insert all the racial slurs you've ever heard because he used them all. I have to say, our guys are very professional an didn't respond to Evan's rantings. Although they did tell the guy he should be a comedian.



On the ride back to jail, Evan told the guys how he was going to get them back and he was swearing on some interesting things. I've heard people swear on their mothers and on their children...and sometimes even on the graves of their loved ones. But this swear is a first. I promise. this is truly what he said...



"I swear on my momma's pu$$y hairs. That's sacred, well that's kind of sacred....well, as sacred as they can be."



Now, what I find funny about this is that you can almost see his drunken mind thinking about what he's saying...and he's almost rationalizing how "sacred" his mother's pu$$y hairs are. I mean, really, what son wants to think about his mothers V-zone? This man is a little off.